Patriarcy Thrives in Oklahoma

I just experienced a vivid reminder yesterday of one of the rules my mother lived with in the 1950's as a mother of five children. Here we are 60 years later and it is as if no time has passed at all. I was in a women's clothing store and the very nicely dressed woman in the check out line in front of me told the sales associate to put everything she bought in one bag because then her husband would not be as upset. The sales associate laughed and said that she thought most women played tricks like that so as not to be criticized by their spouses.


It was as if a mighty wind picked me up and transported me back to my childhood and I re-experienced the confusion, anxiety, dread and I have to admit a little excitement when my mother would buy things and hide them from my father because he wouldn't approve. Of course, my father always found out but sometimes it would be a long time later. There were no charge cards back then so the money had to come out of the meager amount he would give her to buy groceries. All of us kids were very skinny because my mother gave my father a full portion of food but we had to split what was left. I have always wondered why he didn't seem to notice what we were eating.

Let me make it clear that my mother was not buying trivial items, she wa buying us clothes for school and one very memorable time she bought a set of encyclopedias and hid them in a closet for a year until she had them paid off. We were allowed when Dad wasn't home to use those precious books and I believe this sparked the intellectual curiousity that exists within all my siblings. And, my father was not this evil dictator, he was just an average man who was profoundly affected by the rules of patriarcy. I am sure he felt it was his duty to defend those rules. He lived a good life because of those rules but I am sure that if any part of him lives on, he regrets victimizing his family with patriarcy.


Those years were so uncomfortable for me that I swore when I got married I would never hide my purchases or be told what amount of money I could spend. I have been true to my oath and my husband has learned to never question what I spend even if it is for something foolish. He knows the story of my childhood and even though it also goes against his patriarcial rules imposed from his childhood, he gives me a break on this one.