What I'm learning from Mary Daly

I came to the Mary Daly group a few months ago and it's become a very important part of my life. Outercourse is challenging reading and so we often read only a few pages in our time together. Even so, I find myself thinking about Mary Daly's words during the week. She obviously pondered her use of language, as well as the language used in books she studied, religious and other. And now I often think of the words I hear and speak ... trying to listen carefully to learn how I might be using words in ways that minimize myself and other women.

I grew up in a home in which my brother and father were favored. Implicit in every interaction with them was the understanding that I should defer to them. If I disagreed, my mother, father and brother were displeased with me (my younger sister seemed to live in her own world most of the time). They would ask why I was always "starting an argument" or why I "wouldn't leave well enough alone". I tried to learn different ways to express my opinion, thinking that if I could just express myself the right way, they would want to know what I thought. I know now that, unless my view of reality jived with theirs, to them I was just plain wrong and further discussion was futile.

Expressing myself, being honest about what I thought, meant that my mother and father and brother were unhappy with me. And not expressing myself, just agreeing with them, meant that I could have a relationship with them, albeit very limited, but it was something. The problem with this was that I grew constantly more distant from my own self, more unhappy and more depressed. Eventually it became difficult for me to know what I even thought and to become constantly apologetic when expressing an opinion.

And so in my journey to find myself, I learn from Mary Daly, a woman who was not afraid to disagree with male authority, not afraid to express herself, not afraid to know herself, not afraid to trust herself.